SIGURO NGA, 

Hindi pareho yung feelings namin sa isa't isa..

pwedeng gusto din niya ako.

Pero hindi gaya ng pagkakagusto ko sa kanya.

Kaya siguro hanggang ngayon wala pa rin siyang sinasabi.

Noon pa man, sinabi ko na sa sarili ko.. 

PAULIT- ULIT.

Na "Ok na yun, Ok na lang din..

At least nasabi ko.

At least nalaman na niya."

Di bale nang hindi niya ibalik yung feelings.

Di bale nang kahit na medyo masakit.

Di bale na.. ganun talaga.

01.20.2014

Yuu-kun joins I-Aruyu

01.19.2014

Nikki,

Night duty na naman ako ngayong gabi. Nagpunta ako ng Jimusho around an hour earlier kasi wala naman na akong ginagawa sa bahay. At pagod na rin akong humaraap kay pasukon.

Nagulat ako pagdating ko dun. Andun si Neechan gayong di naman siya nakaduty.. at si Yuu-kun andun din. Naalala ko, may turo sila pala bukas. Ah, so nagpreprepare sila ng materials kung ganun, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Kahit papaano, natuwa ako kasi nakita ko ulit siya gayong di ko siya ineexpect na makita.

Maya-maya ginagawa ni Hachi-san yung schedule for next week. Nabigla na lang ako nung nakita ko yung pangalan ni Yuu-kun doon. Akala ko nung una namalik-mata lang ako. Tapos maya-maya nagtatanong na siya ng extra *** kay Nee-chan. Gusto kong magcomment o magtanong or what pero sa isip-isip ko. Saka na. Makakausap ko din siya patungkol sa pagpasok niya sa i-aruyu. //cut

At Makudo.

01.15.2014
Nikki,

He texted during lunch. It's their third day for this week training. He and Crush-kun were this week's sensei.

"Wala kaming victim."

"Punta lang din ako dyan ng 1 pm."

Maybe he was making sure that I'll be there at Jimusho for today. Last night he was convincing me to go to his house. But it was already 9PM. Maybe if it was just an ordinary day, I might have come up with something in order to be there, but it was the kids' tanjoubi. Obaasan was already home because of the night's event. So it was impossible for me to went out smoothly that night. The night before, too, he was asking me out again. It was a bit later, 11PM.

So before I went out today, I kinda thought that, maybe tonight...

I helped them in their skills demonstration that afternoon. I and Nana, one of my friends who is also a participant for this week's training, were being bullied by Crush-kun.[here]

Pure. Feelings. Love.

2014年 01月 5日 (日)

It was around 4AM of that day when I got awakened by a text message from Yuu-kun. Looks like someone's having troubled falling asleep, too. 

At first, since I can't bring myself back to sleep again, I decided to reply back to him. I just intended to talk about whatever things that would randomly come out... Then, out-of-the-blue, I suddenly thought of finally telling him about my feelings. Not everything though, maybe just the truth that I like him so much.. And then it came off...

"Gustong gusto kita, gusto ko lang din sabihin.." 

Star Time

11月27日

2013年

"no i've never seen 

nothing like you..."

I'm not sure why we decided to walk our way home all of the sudden tonight.
The three of us talked about random stuffs, not caring just how long was the path ahead of us.

Mixed.

I want to continue...

staying near him.

cheering him up when he feels down.

listening to some tiny bits of his life, his stories, his happy thoughts and even his random rants..

looking at his calm face, to his rare smile, his im-not-telling-you-anything blunt expression.

listening to his surprisingly soothing voice, his at-times-know-it-all tone.

feeling his warmth.

laughing at his awesome out-of-the-world ideas.

exchanging silly jokes.

silently admiring him from this distance.

REALIZATION 

STRUCK!

I'm seriously 

inlove with HIM

now.

A Half - Meant Joke

*text conversation*
11.30.2013

                                                                                                     Pwedeng tayo na lang?
                                                                               Ano?
                                                                                                                         Oo o hindi?
                                                                               Anya imbagam. Dik ma gets.
                                                                               O. Hahaha artek ka nia.
                                                                               Lasing ka no
                                                                                                                                    hindi
                                                                              Weh. Hahaha lakas trip
                                                                                  hay naku... seryoso ngai naman ako.
                                                                               Ano garud ung tanong mo                                                                                                                                                                          wag na
                                                                                Hahaha. Di ka naka inum gamot nu
                                                                                                Anong gamot? wala naman 
                                                                                                                          akong sakit

*end of conversation..* 
di na siya nagtext after

That was a cute prank, to begin with.

I wanted to rehearse on saying THAT LINE.
It was something that I really want to say to ^[1]Yuu-kun every time I spend my time with him.

Lured.

       I spent last night at Sachi's place together with Shounen and Midori. It seems like Midori is troubled with her feelings for the one she likes so much. Having the same feelings and concern, I agreed let the spirit of alcohol took over even for just that night. I've been too a lot of confusion and mixed emotions lately, and I just can't contain my feeling of love for him. *hidden*

Indecisiveness

I’m pretty good at saying good and kind words to almost everyone who ask me for advises, words and stuffs… Though I know for myself that I am only just good at saying such, but I can’t even do something for myself.

Night Out.

I was invited to stay at Sachi's place that Monday night. The original purpose is for me to share more things to her, about me and Yuu-kun. Seriously I wanted to seek help and comfort for I am already anxious as days do pass...

just let me know what exactly is going on inside me :/ *hidden hidden hidden*

I no longer don't know what to call myself. Because, I no longer want to think through this things again. Doing so won't change anything. Doing so won't bring back those things.. It's pretty annoying. I wonder how much will I be able to take on this things without saying anything... I want him to finally tell something about these. I seriously want to hear him say that everything happened because he likes me.. I really wish he would tell me so. And I seriously wish that he likes me. I'll be insane if he won't despite of everything that had happened. I'll kill him at the back of my mind. Because I don't want this to end up like that of me and Junno.

I just don’t want you to keep on smiling.. I want you to direct that smile to me… 

Though you would always tell me that you don’t want to smile that often because it’s kinda tiring…

 I always try to say funny random things in order to get any reaction from you. 

I always try to do anything for the sake of seeing your smile. 

And as you do, I admit that little by little, I’m getting used with your dazzling smiling face… 

and I know, I’m already falling for you…

Gustong gusto ko na talaga siya kaya medyo badtrip ako.

I want to clear things up. I wanted to ask him things that had been bothering me for these past few nights. I wanted to know what he feels. But at the same time I hate to be found out. I don't want to be the first one to confront or say anything on those matters... :/// Hate this much.

Then it came to this...

seriously, im a total idiot.

Now what?

Seriously, I'm only expecting an extra awesome day yesterday but it turned out to be so much more... without knowing for sure if it was something worth celebrating or something that I shouldn't had let to happen.. 
►feels?

Birthday with Happiness

This may not be the best birthday that I ever had in my life, but this year's birthday surely left a unique print within my heart.

I was not able to celebrate this birthday with my family, the people who I used to celebrate my birthday with... My father's flight to Saudi was the day before this and my sister, Feine went to Tarlac for her OJT just this morning. I was expecting just a blunt day, nothing much, nothing new, nothing better to remember..

But God had been so good to me, I swear.

I was able to celebrate my birthday with him! It's the first for me.
To be alone with somebody. My past birthdays were not really kinda special, but today is entirely different. Going to church together, walking around town, talking all randoms... Simple but for me, I feel so so so much special.

Our secret storytelling...


There is hidden text here

I was also able to see Akuma when I was waiting for him. Remember? He's-the-guy-i-waited-and-had-hold-onto-for-almost-four-or-five-years-but-i-had-decided-to-let-my-feelings-go-since-last-year... At that moment I kinda felt uneasy, but I decided to continue walking in order to divert my attention. I was certain that our eyes had met at that time. When I am already entering the church together with him, I saw Akuma again. Now, I realized who he’s with.. his current girlfriend. I had said so, from my last entry about him right? I’m no longer head-over-heels to him. Seeing him with the girl he love, I’m not sure what exactly am I feeling but I know that somehow, I already had accepted his current status. ://// *spaced out*

Sa panahon ngayon, importante pa ba kung sino ang nauna o nahuli kang pumasok sa buhay ng taong gusto mo?

Karamihan sa atin, minsan na sumasama ang loob pag narealize natin na bago pa tayo dumating sa buhay ng taong gusto natin, may iba na itong gusto.. o mahal... Hindi natin tuloy maipursue yung pagkagusto natin sa taong yun, kasi dismayado na tayo. Feeling natin useless o sayang yung effort kasi nga may nauna na.

For Three seconds...

This is something that had happened more than a month ago...

I was able to meet the guy I loved from five years ago. The topic of my every entry on my high school diary.. the one I always look to.. the one I always wanted to be with.. the one I've been loving until last year.. True, I am no longer head-over-heels in love with this guy. It's been for so long that I'm holding all my love for him that I finally decided to loosen the grip for something that I can no longer have.

I had stopped waiting.

I had stopped hoping.

I had stopped from always thinking about him...

End of Lies.
2013.10.14
01:00AM

"Yung totoo... Sabihin mo na kasi."

"OK. Sige.. " Finally, I got tired of his persistence and repetitive times of asking just that single question. "Itext ko na lang sa'yo ok?"

"Pahirapan mo pa sarili mo, pwede mo namang sabihin ngayon na."

"Basta. Ibaba ko na toh. Tas text ko sa'yo. First name lang. Wag ka nang tatawag after. Itutulog ko na. Itulog mo na rin."

After then, I ended the call.

I bit my lips as I let out a deep sigh, for the last time... I'm ending up my lies.

I started to type my last message for tonight... it was just his name.

Then SENT.

Feeling happy.. and extra special
10.08.2013

I'm feeling an extra happy today. I was able to go to the house of the new guy I currently had my eyes on. I and Neechan ate our dinner there. We were able to meet his three cute dogs and his two younger sisters. I am really happy because I was able to see a closer look into his private life, and also his cute and charming side.. He is not the guy who I am in love with now but somehow I'm reconsidering things again. If I were to choose I guy who I really want for myself, it's gonna be him. Before we went home, he gave us sweet potato [the violet one].. I'm not sure why he did such, but he really looks cuter.. and handsome :DDD I want to go there again in the near future.. I want to know him better..

I'm posting it here for me to highlight this day's happening... and I know no one would find me here.. so I'm kinda safe. :DD

*saved conversation*

Upside down.
10.09.2013



Yesterday I felt extra happy and special. But suddenly everything went upside-down.
I hope that someday things would stop ending this way. I had had enough.