Every time I write something about you, I’ve always wondered what you’d think and feel if you knew.

Last night, I was on the verge of sending you my blog’s URL without telling you that it’s mine. Would you realize it was made solely for you?

Would you recognize the small talks we shared? There’s a chance, yes, but I bet, you won’t remember it the way I did. Every moments we shared together, just the two of us or with a couple of others, I have it memorized so I could replay it on my mind over and over again. That’s not enough, though. I have to write it here and tagged your name because I am hoping I can show it to you someday.

This blog.

A Half - Meant Joke

*text conversation*
                                                                                                     Pwedeng tayo na lang?
                                                                                                                         Oo o hindi?
                                                                               Anya imbagam. Dik ma gets.
                                                                               O. Hahaha artek ka nia.
                                                                               Lasing ka no
                                                                              Weh. Hahaha lakas trip
                                                                                  hay naku... seryoso ngai naman ako.
                                                                               Ano garud ung tanong mo                                                                                                                                                                          wag na
                                                                                Hahaha. Di ka naka inum gamot nu
                                                                                                Anong gamot? wala naman 
                                                                                                                          akong sakit
*end of conversation..* 
di na siya nagtext after

That was a cute prank, to begin with.

I wanted to rehearse on saying THAT LINE.
It was something that I really want to say to [1]Yuu-kun every time I spend my time with him.

But then, seeing that LINE from [2]Kiiro's Draft, I suddenly got tempted to try sending such to the second guy I had thought of at that moment. Crush-kun <----Mr.MEJO-CRUSH/TYPE/GUSTO..NG SLIGHT...SLIGHT-LANG-DIN-NAMAN :DDDD

*insert some about Crush-kun*
Crush-kun is one of the guys I can be comfortable being with at [3]Akai Jimusho. He always have a positive aura, he always jokes around, he's cute and funny and approachable... Plus he is close with Neechan.  He bullies me at most times and does a lot of cute/crazy/silly stuffs. I also laughs at his brilliant jokes.

During my first training at Jimusho, we were already acquainted with each other because we were on the same group. I remember purposely hurting his hands during one of our activities-- he complained afterwards, too. Kawaii~ :P Then on another training where he became the substitute for one of our sensei, I would asked for his assistance more instead if Yuu-kun (who happened to be one of my sensei, too.) It's because I'm more at ease if it's him. I might not be able to concentrate and perform well if it's Yuu-kun, deshou~?

GOING BACK. I finally had sent that text message!
I just can't stop from laughing ang laughing. I kept on thinking about his reaction and how he will respond... I wonder if he'll believe it...

There comes his reply. I was amused on his I-won't-believe-you response and how he insists that I am drunk-- I must be drunk... LAUGH. LAUGH. LAUGH.

Then it ended when he stopped replying. Just then, I read back our exchange words. I think through things. Part of me wished him to reconsider my words. It was something that I had realized. I am kinda serious with what I had said. Although it appeared to be just a joke, it was half-meant.

"It's safer for me to be in like with him."
Because, right now, I can no longer contain my feelings for Yuu-kun. I like Yuu-kun so much, that every passing day, I'm filled with more and more worries, concerns, insecurities, doubts, fear... I realized that I can no longer get a grip on myself, that I'm no longer in control of my heart, I can no longer think right.. If it's Yuu-kun  I'm being too submissive.. I hate being like this...I hate this feeling! I hate liking Yuu-kun this much.

-     -     -     -     -


I finally got to see Crush-kun who had silenced himself about that matter. I was there at Jimusho but he won't talk to me at all. Very unusual, since he used to throw silly jokes or random words at most times. He's kinda different today. He won't even look at my direction. I frowned at Neechan who was there, too. She knew about that crazy set up I had made.

"Hindi ngay pumapansin si **. Di ba Ate?" finally I complained out loud in front of him.

And so, he finally reacted too, laughing. "Ikaw ha. Lakas ng trip. Pinagloloko ako..."

"Pero di ba seryoso ka dun?" Neechan looked at my direction.

I want to give her a Yes, to admit that I was serious. But I backed off since I've got this feeling that the timing was just so bad, and so was the joke... I might not be able to carry on with that. Looking at his reaction, it seems like the whole idea is just so troublesome--- he's kinda affected in a not-so-funny way. I'm not sure why exactly, but in order not to cause more awkwardness, I shut up.

"Feeling ko gusto ko niya", Neechan told me in private afterwards.

"Ha? Sira toh." :/ Maybe masama ang loob niyang mapagtripan. And right, it's not even a good joke. Sadyang baliw lang ako.

"Yaan mo, matiklo nga yun." Kinda convinced with her analyzation. "Pero seryoso ka talaga dun? Paano pag um-oo un that time?"

Right. She's right. That question never occured to me until that very moment. It will give rise to more trouble if he had responded differently right?

Silly me. I'm truly great at giving myself a headache. I'm great at crating a mess. I'm the one who always starts up my own trouble. Bakarou~

-     -     -     -     -


I also had sent that "pwedeng tayo na lang?" text message to three of the guy friends that I had. Not that I hold some kind of feelings for them, too. I am kinda close with them, I want to pull out the same joke to them... I want to see some more versions of reactions for that joke.. being too silly :P

Mr. Brain response:
"Ok, pwede din :))"
Seriously, he's the one who only say Yes.. and just the one I least expected. I wasn't able to pull off this joke so I ended up asking hows-he-doing stories.

Suitor101 response:
"anung nakain mo?" "*my name*" "woi :P" 
then he suddenly end up calling me twice... of course I didn't answer the call... what would I say? seems like he took it too seriously.
The next day I texted him with "sorry, mejo lutang kagabi :/"... he replied, "mabigat ba dinadala mo?" I no longer replied back... again.

"Hm? Ano sinabe mo?" "Huh? Sira. Problemado ka? Haha :D"
Then I got lectured by him afterwards. He told me not to tell that to the guy that i really like because I might be taken for granted for being the first one to express my feelings.. blablablaahh...

Ok seriously... I'm already reflecting on my actions. Gomen~
-     -     -     -     -

[1]Yuu-kun. (優くん) a guy, had choosen this because it means gentleness
[2]Kiiro. my cell phone's name. kiiro means yellow in japanese.
[3]Akai Jimusho. the place where I always go to, together with the others... Jimusho is actually the japanese term for office and akai means.. oh well, won't say it here.. you already can tell right? :]]