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Every time I write something about you, I’ve always wondered what you’d think and feel if you knew.

Last night, I was on the verge of sending you my blog’s URL without telling you that it’s mine. Would you realize it was made solely for you?

Would you recognize the small talks we shared? There’s a chance, yes, but I bet, you won’t remember it the way I did. Every moments we shared together, just the two of us or with a couple of others, I have it memorized so I could replay it on my mind over and over again. That’s not enough, though. I have to write it here and tagged your name because I am hoping I can show it to you someday.

This blog.

This is more of a "message-to-myself", although I doubt if I'll ever find such person, I doubt if such person even exist.

I'm acting hopeless again. At the moment, I may say that I almost fall for someone na kasakasama ko sa ngayon. Although, like I said, hopeless talaga. Magsisimula pa lang tapos na. May nauna nang namuong relasyon bago pa ako dumating. 

Hindi kasi ako yung tipong nakikisabat sa lovelife ng iba-- lalo na kung sila yung nauna. Nakakawala ng gana mag-pursue ng something na mukha namang laan na sa iba. The fact na hindi siya interesado, o attracted sa akin, that's the cue.

Hindi din ako yung tipong nagpapapansin sa guy, nagpapacute, nagpapakaoverlygirly... even if [or lalo na pag] gusto ko yung guy. I'll even show him my harsh and sutil side. If he ends up not liking me, then I can understand.. because that's the expected result. Hindi yun nakakasama ng loob on my part.

See, I always try to push everyone away from me, kasi I know na wala naman talagang taong nagtatagal ng panghabang-buhay sa tabi natin. Darating yung point na aalis sila, gaano mo man sila kaclose, gaano man kayo nagmamahalan, gaano man katagal yung napagsamahan ninyo. 

But seriously, may konting part sa puso ko na umaasa na dumating sana yung guy na kahit gaano ko siya sungitan, tarayan, hampasin [ng slight] o ipagtulakan papalayo.. lalaban pa rin siya para mapalapit sa akin. Parang ganun. Masyado talaga akong adik sa ganitong scheme ko kaya siguro hanggang ngayon wala pa ring nangyayari sa buhay ko. 

After all, obviously, it's my fault. Mahirap. Masakit. Malungkot. Masama na ito kasi mukhang nakasanayan ko na yung sakit. Kaya mukhang mahihirapan na akong baguhin ang lahat. Parang naging part na ito ng buhay ko. Nakakainis lang talaga. :/ Ako lang ba o maski kayo ganito din?

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