Every time I write something about you, I’ve always wondered what you’d think and feel if you knew.

Last night, I was on the verge of sending you my blog’s URL without telling you that it’s mine. Would you realize it was made solely for you?

Would you recognize the small talks we shared? There’s a chance, yes, but I bet, you won’t remember it the way I did. Every moments we shared together, just the two of us or with a couple of others, I have it memorized so I could replay it on my mind over and over again. That’s not enough, though. I have to write it here and tagged your name because I am hoping I can show it to you someday.

This blog.

本末転倒: Change of Residence, Start of New Life..

    I'm no longer staying at our house--- the house my mother and father had built when they decided to start a family. My mother and father get separated when I was still in my first grade in elementary. My mother died a year after. Then my father married another woman he had brought home. They had a son and two daughters. My younger sister and I are living with them in this house.

    For eight years, this house had been a venue to most of my life's turning points. It witnessed me growing up... from my elementary, high school and college years... when I had my review for my board exam until I passed and had my oath for my chosen profession. It houses all the good and bad memories in my life--- the beautiful and happy times, and also the sad and painful ones. I love this house that had comforted me for all these years. As much as I want to continue protecting this place, for now, I guess, I have to move out... 

     It is something that I had decided already. I can no longer stay in here, it's too painful to live with the family I once believed into... I really love and care for them but I also had emotional needs that I can never get from them. Acceptance, understanding, appreciation, protection, support, genuine affection... I longed for those... 

      Receiving a lot of harsh and hurtful remarks, getting yourself in many petty arguments, misunderstandings, fighting for my sides and opinions, shouting like hell... I am already used with that kind of everyday scenes. I can live that kind of life, but I'm getting so tired already. I want to end such life because it was something that I don't deserve... I know that.

     I'm being selfish, I'm only thinking of myself again. But I don't care.. 

     Among all the things that I have now, the one that I want to protect most is my own self.

     I wanted to protect myself who had been suffering for so long.. emotional trauma.. and lots.. 

     I wanted to love myself who had been loving and caring others for too long. 

     I wanted to continue living for myself.

     If I won't be able to protect myself now, I won't be able to protect all the people and things that I always love.

     From here I want to go to the places where I am accepted, where I can take care of myself, where I can help the people around me, where I can pursue my goals, where I can build my future, where I can genuinely laugh and cry, where I can create new memories of loving and hoping. 

     I want to find a venue of my new life. Like this, if one had end, there will always be another beginning.

     Sore dake.

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